The Hard Peel

Category: Personal Essay

  • The Compass of Fear: Doing it Scared

    The Compass of Fear: Doing it Scared

    Below is a piece I wrote in mid-2024. It marked a moment of clarity for me. I finally understood all of the ways fear was directing my path. But not in the ways I wanted, since writing this, fear has remained a compass, but instead of holding True North, I’ve allowed it to guide me to places I never thought possible.

    By approaching the things that scared me through the lens of curiosity and excitement: 

    I’ve expanded my knowledge by taking classes I was previously afraid to take.

    I’ve experienced new things, like traveling and immersing myself in new cultures 🇲🇽. 

    I’ve learned more about myself, such as what I need and want from life. 

    I hope this can encourage you to let fear guide you in a new way.

    The Compass of Fear: Doing it Scared

    06/12/2024

    I’ve lived in a constant state of fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment; fear is in every decision I make, and especially the ones I don’t. Fear keeps me frozen in time. For my entire life, I have altered my actions and behaviors out of fear of not being accepted by others. I never stopped to question whether they were people by whom I wanted to be accepted.  

    It’s exhausting pretending to be something you’re not. Even when you’re not fully aware you’re doing it. I would push the uncomfortable feelings down, the ones that told me something wasn’t right. Because I felt so broken and misunderstood, I worked extra hard to understand others. To the point I could make excuses for their actions to convince myself things were okay. Never questioning whether it was the type of behavior I wanted to surround myself with.  

    I lost myself in fear. I lost the things that I enjoyed, my values, and my dreams. I replaced them with the passions of others. I sat around wondering why I couldn’t seem to stick with a hobby. It never occurred to me that the hobby wasn’t mine. I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that was not meant for me.  

    Just as the fear hurt me, it also helped me to hurt others. By pretending to be something I was not, I manipulated my relationships. By not being honest about my needs and wants, I created confusion and distrust. By saying yes when I meant no, I built false resentments. Relationships require vulnerability, honesty and intimacy. None of which fear allows. 

    I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to open myself up and show people my favorite parts. I want to be honest in my relationships and with myself. I wish it was as easy as saying it, but I’m still uncovering these parts of me that were buried so deep. I’m just now remembering who I am, and I can’t be honest until I know my truth.  

    I’ll continue searching for myself because I believe she’s worth it. But also, because I think others deserve it. They deserve the best parts of me, the genuine parts. Not just the parts I built to please them. And since fear doesn’t come with an on/off switch, I will be doing it scared, turning anxiety to excitement. 

    <3

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  • Vengeful Martyr

    Vengeful Martyr

    There are no villains in my story. There are, however, a lot of victims. Bad people didn’t do bad things to me. But bad things did happen to me, often by the direct hand of another.

    Bear with me, I promise I’m not contradicting myself.

    The bad things I experienced didn’t come from perfect people because they don’t exist either. They came by the hands of people that experienced similar at another point in time. People that hurt in the same ways I hurt. Behaviors and actions do not determine the amount of good or bad someone is. But they do have a story to tell if you listen.

    I have to believe in the idea that there are no bad people or parts. I have to believe in it because if I don’t, I’ll be a villain in my own story. None of us are above causing harm. No matter how good you claim to be, how hard you work on yourself, or how much you pray. Even the kindest people, the ones that “want the best for you” can inflict harm. It’s not our intention to do so. At least not our conscious intention.

    I’m finding there is a part of me that is a little less kind. That is a little more conniving and, my goodness, is it stealthy. The intention with this part IS to inflict harm. On their abuser and anyone that appears similarly. They want revenge. They’ve referred to themself as a “vengeful martyr.”

    Let’s all laugh at the accuracy of that name.

    The vengeful martyr is the part that says the nasty thing to you when my feelings are hurt. It’s the part that’s cheated and lied. But it’s also the part to say yes only to hold a passive resentment. The part that gives you the silent treatment. It ghosts you. It’s the part that pushes everyone away.

    What seems like justice and protection to this part appears as self-destruction and abuse to those in my current reality. Whether it’s a bold lashing out to the original perpetrators or just holding quiet contempt for others we find similar, it’s a slippery slope. That part is no longer qualified to be the judge and jury of anyone. But there’s a lot of anger there. And even more fear. So now I get to learn how to release that anger and ease the fear.

    Let’s not confuse any of this with letting people off the hook. People are still responsible for the harm they cause. In a sense, this is letting me take responsibility for some of the harm I’ve caused. If I can build a connection with this vengeful martyr and provide it with the validation it needs, I’m sure we’ll find less contempt and be able to offer more compassion.

    <3